In a couple of weeks I will leave and, along with one very dear friend, spend a short time on retreat. We drive up one day, spend two days and drive back on the fourth. I do not say short time because it is not productive, or useful, or blessed, or desperately needed, or quiet, or absolutely wonderful...I say short because I am greedy.
I'm not so greedy that I don't realize what brought me to the point that I can leave my everyday life for a while. The ability to take a vacation from the "real" job when I want, a loving husband who recognizes my need for time apart and joyfully cares for grandson and home while I'm away. A wonderful friend to accompany me...one who is more than willing to go with and just "be". We spend time together, we spend time apart. Sometimes she is inside and I am out, sometimes vice-versa. We make it a point to attend Mass together and to eat lunch and dinner together. Her ear and her heart are always available. The staff and the Sisters are quick to discern and allow me as much company or as little company as I desire. The convent is set amidst farmland and rolling hills, the type of place, that is a salve to my soul. Sounds like heaven, doesn't it?
But my greed for more is disconcerting. An annual retreat has been the desire of my heart for many years and now I have it! After all the time spent dreaming about it, God has given me all the ingredients. An understanding family, a wonderful facility and the perfect companion. He has paved the way and I now I'm saying "It's not enough"? But we all know what this really is, don't we? I am allowing my human nature to keep me from fully experiencing this perfect gift. My sinful self has found a way to turn even this into a struggle.
Sometimes I pray, "Father, if this is what you want me to know" or "Father, if this is what I need to change", "Please make it plain...even if you have to hit me in the head with something!" I am happy to say, He's finally gotten through and I am thankful for His generosity and His persistence. This time, I will allow myself to carry what I learn and how I feel back into my life. I will allow myself to spend time in the presence of God, at the feet of Jesus, even when I'm back and praying in my little corner of my home. I will awaken each day and look expectantly toward what He has in store for me, how I can be His heart in my world. I will experience "retreat" in a world filled with instant gratification.
God has once again shown me that He knows exactly what I need and exactly when I need it. And perhaps the best part is, He always leaves me wanting more! Not greedily or instantly, but in a way that encourages me to create it in my everyday life. In a way which makes it my heart's desire to just "be".
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