Monday, January 9, 2012

Just because it's Monday, again!

Perhaps this is a little off-color but I felt the need to pass it along for a is Monday after all!
This is an ode to all the e-mails we receive from our "friends"...
As we enter 2012, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery:  I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I cannot sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats or pounds of gluten or insect parts I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. 
 I must also send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.  Also, I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.  

I cannot have a drink in a bar because for fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers (someone saw pictures!).  I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.  Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains . I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up and I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

Thanks for letting me know that I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life . I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with a serious disease when I sit down. Because of your information, I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to four or five other countries . Thanks to you,  I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites me. Because of your advice,  I can't ever pick up a dime dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. It is a shame but I can no longer garden because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. 

Please understand that if you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large bird will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician .  

One last note, a scientist performed a lengthy study and has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet. Remember to have yourself and very good day and a most Happy New Year (and try not to be so paranoid)!

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